I wonder when I became so consumed with my body image. I’ve never been particularly out of shape or skinny or flabby or bony. Just regular. I wear two piece bathing suits with ease, no qualms about the bottom of my suit creeping up between my cheeks. I wear short dresses that show off my short, slightly muscular legs. Not really toned but thicker than average due to years of gymnastics, my love of food and just…physics I suppose. My closet is unusually full of boxy, belly bearing shirts that draw attention to the lack of definition in my tummy. Soft and ever so pudgy at my navel. The seams sit on the tops of my tiny love handles that occasionally make their presence known when my jeans fail me from time to time.

I know all of this, yet have never been bothered by it until recently. I don’t know if I can say “bothered”… maybe just hyper aware.

Somewhere in our tipsy euphoria Michael got the bright idea to record us having sex and in my state of mind I didn’t even notice. In all fairness it was a great night. Better than usual so I can understand his excitement at wanting to document it. The next morning he tells me that he did something that might make me mad or that I might be okay with. Naturally, I assume he’s taken some picture of me being a drunken maniac, which would not bother me because I’m pretty hilarious when inebriated. He starts the video and I see myself face down, ass up and I panic. I think I may of even begun a mild anxiety attack. I didn’t care about the video, but the fact that my body was displayed and completely unconscious of what I was doing kind of scared me. I don’t know why. I’ve never been self-conscious of my body, but for whatever reason I was that day. And the sound of my voice moaning so (uncharacteristically) loud (and obnoxiously) made my head spin. Maybe I was just still drunk. I deleted the video from his phone and had to ignore the shocked and disappointed look on his face when I handed his phone back. I felt a little bad when he pouted and lamented that he had yet to watch it yet, but I just can’t get over him carrying around a video of my ass in the air.

This is a pointless story, really.