I had no idea it was possible to be so incredibly overwhelmed, yet feel so terribly underwhelmed in the same moment. It’s a menacingly, melancholy mood to be in. How do you even begin to overcome it?
I spend a lot less time on meaningless things. For that I am eternally grateful. My tolerance level for negativity has decreased, but is a constant work in progress. My patience is surprisingly high. And maybe most importantly I have learned not to covet what others have nor compare what I have to theirs.
Lessons learned through an influx of maturity.
Lupus and stress are not a good pair. Half way through my 15 day work stretch then I have the day off to hang out with our friend who will be visiting us from California. Going to savor the piece of home.
I don’t like to talk about my relationship with my boyfriend because it is so much more than that. So far beyond a romantic connection that explaining it to another person, putting it into a category of affection seems so small. So stifling. Insignificant. Fleeting. It’s almost as if it loses some of its importance, something that is utterly impossible, yet completely conceivable in this ever changing and superficial existence.
I was resentful and moody and heartbroken and aggressively disconnected when we met, but I was yearning and lonely and desperate for something that could make me feel something other than the complete void I’d let engulf me. You were hurting and confused and passive and in search of something to take your mind of the gross unexpected nature of life. We were both looking for things that we knew the other couldn’t provide and we initially pursued only because we would soon have another reason to justify our dissatisfaction with life.
But you gave me something that I didn’t think I’d find. Someone to share comfortable silence with. Someone to walk next to without the overwhelming need to close the gaps in my heart with uninspired, forced hand holding. A body to lie near in the dead of the night, absent of the tension that usually fills the room. It was an absolute nothingness that made me realize just how vital nothing can be to a relationship. Being able to just exist in the presence of that person without the pressure of being anything.
I don’t think I can explain that to any person outside of this and have them understand, without coming off like a complete nutter.
The move to Colorado has overall been positive. I have gained the independence that I was craving along with increased responsibility, which has made me even more self-reliant. The only negative has been my focus. This semester was not the easiest for me because mentally my load became bigger than I was initially expecting. There’s a lot of factors that are hard to anticipate when you are uprooting your life, any major change is going to be full of unexpected events.
Started off in Boulder, but after a month of being in my apartment, it was severely damaged by the flash floods. An unexpected event that no one was prepared for. Luckily I was able to get out of my lease, but the unfortunate part was that I had to relocate to a somewhat unfamiliar part of the state. Such a setback because I was excited to have my own space, but part of growing up is having to work around the situations that are presented to us.
Now I live about an hour up North, rooming with a girl who is younger, but very kind albeit naive. She and her boyfriend are attached at the hip, but he seems like a decent guy and they come off as very in love. It’s interesting to watch because I spend most time in the house with both of them and observing them is something like my own version of ‘Big Brother’. As they get more serious and I see tbe dynamics of their relationship expand and shift, it makes me even more aware of how much I dislike codependent relationships.
Conversely, my longtime boyfriend and I are making plans to move in permanently with each other. Over the past few months I have had to listen to so much criticism for my reluctance to live with my boyfriend. To be honest despite being completely open with one another, I think we still have reservations because we are still cultivating who we are as individuals. As a unit we work effortlessly and compliment each other very well. Individually we have flaws that we are still working on. I want to be the most accomplished and most confident version of myself before we take that next step and I know he feels the same. As we get closer to being these versions of our present selves, the idea of being together all the time becomes so appealing and something to look forward to. It’s a lot of responsibility and we’re almost ready for it.
I am too indecisive and wary of spontaneity, while he’s too optimistic with moments of subtle impulsiveness. Still trying to perfect that balance so we can make that next step as easy as possible. I have learned to be patient and it’s become one of my defining traits at this time in my life. It’s made me more rational, something that makes life easier and more enjoyable, for me at least.
-Deep conditioned my hair
-Cleaned dog shit out of the garage
-Installed new lights on my bike
-Working on Art History assignments; Global Warming paper needs some attention
-Try to do everything from my bed, if possible
Starting a water cleanse tomorrow. I have regressed to drinking those tiny little 90 calorie Cokes, working my way through an 8-pack in about a weeks time. When I buy those I usually drink them during study breaks because I need an extra boost. It’s been hard because I don’t crave soda, it’s just that I don’t really want to drink water. I substitute with juice most times, but really I just don’t drink much liquids throughout the day. Terrible and weird, really.
My boyfriend asked the question: “Do you prefer liquids or solids (food)?” My quuer response was ‘Neither, really, but I suppose solids’. This caused him to shake his head and look at me like I have 3 heads. I remember when we first started hanging out I told him that I don’t really care about food. Such a weird, slightly scary thing to say. I was in a difficult space during that time in retrospect. Much too thin, dealing with tough life experiences by unhealthily managing my weight. Suppressing my appetite through cigarettes and alcohol binges. I didn’t think of it as an eating disorder back then because I was not purging nor starving myself intentionally, I just wasn’t nourishing myself properly. I think back on all the nights with my friends drinking, dabbling in drugs, all while working two jobs and going to school. I felt so fucking invincible back then. I was on a cloud, moving through life suppressing my struggles and using external agents to make me feel triumphant. It sounds odd, but having my body completely shut down was what I needed. It forced me to stop being so aloof. It made me start taking better care of myself.
This was supposed to be about me giving up soda (again), but somehow turned into some weird ranting confessional about getting my shit together. Funny how our brains work.
I painted my nails a muted lilac hue because it reminds me of the spring and femininity and loved ones. Picked up new lipstick that I am already taken with, also new mascara to replace my old, relatively unused one. Tweezed my eyebrows for the second time ever. After all these years of waxing pretty much all my body parts, the feeling of tweezing my eyebrows is the most cringe inducing sensation. Bought ‘The Shining’ on DVD to watch the night before Halloween. I have never seen it, but have spent the month watch acclaimed horror movies and this has been a film I’ve never had the opportunity to see (as odd as that sounds). Watched Parking Wars, Storage Wars, and E! News since getting back from coffee and homework this afternoon. Ordered a few books on Amazon. Still trying to find a good dresser or cabinet to put sweaters and knick knacks in. Trying to find a decent sized, sturdy bookcase as well. Amazon has been letting me down, along with Craigslist. Now I have to finish this essay for my Political Theory course; I’ve put it off all day. Whatever.
Today was lame and uneventful, like most days.
I love to love and be loved and boy do I have a love that’s worth loving.
This song is really good. That beat and that smooth, little chorus. So irresistible, I find myself singing this all the time.
This is all me up in here! You handle that!
Settled into my new apartment. Work is in full gear. So many new responsibilities and having an entirely new crew of people expecting so much. Stressful, but I enjoy it because showing & proving is the nature of the job market these days.
Boulder is exactly what I was expecting, but not at the same time. It’s so surprisingly hip and cute and breathtakingly beautiful. There’s something amazingly refreshing about being able to see the mountains from my bedroom window ever morning.
I’m in my room, just kind of jamming to some old school Mya albums. Mya was legit, I remember I bought her single with Silkk tha Shocker when I was in elementary school. Always been a Mya fan.